Sigh... It is very important to realize the devil is a master at mind games, and I, like many others, am not. I'm not the type of person who can manipulate others by emotionally and mentally bending them. No, I'm more outright and in your face. Not always the better option, but certainly the most honest, for me any way.
But in all this I did keep up my quiet times. I have trusted the Lord and tried to walk the way He wants me to walk. I will say too, I have failed miserably in many ways but I have not turned my back on my faith. Its been a tough few years, yes, but I tell myself, "imagine these last few years WITHOUT the Lord!" Horrifying I tell you.
But this mental war, that's been building.... finally came to a conclusion this week. I have been reading Psalms. Kind of like I have to. I carry on doing what I suppose I should be doing... and then this week, at least 7 times...yes, that's right! At least 7 times, in different places, this scripture popped up....
Psalm 51 v 10: Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.
Well, eventually I started saying to myself, oh, there it is again. Then I would see it again, and I started pausing and reading it properly. Really reading it. Oh my word! Yes, that is exactly what I need. I knew my thinking was skewed, but I was starting to not care. Maybe even justify it a little. And WAM!!!!! God's word hit me between the eyes! Yes, Lord, create in me a clean heart! O yes Lord, renew my heart, my thinking to Your way of thinking. Let it be a steadfast thinking, let it be a persevering thinking, a spirit of You within me! Yes Lord, a clean heart!
Firstly, I felt like the Lord had confirmed what I knew to be true! "You're thinking wrong Tracy" and secondly I felt relief, because the Lord cares enough about me getting my thinking straight so instead of punishing me for it, He made sure I found the answer, even if it was more that the answer found me!
It must be said that this train of thought has been growing steadily for a couple of years so it was not an overnight thing. So be encouraged if your answer still evades you, it is out there, and the Lord will let it be found by you. Having said that, when the answer presented itself, and hit me in the face, immediately that thought pattern straightened itself out. Yes, I am dousing that particular thought pattern with the Love of the Lord and His word. Replacing it with His truth. I suppose that although I knew it to be skew, I did not want to acknowledge the offness of it because truly, I wanted to think like that. No more! Its not worth it to be anywhere but where God wants you to be, even in your thinking.